How Many Times Should You Forgive?

“Jesus said to him, ‘I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.’”

—Matthew 18:22

How many times should you forgive?

As many times as it takes to claim your peace, you should forgive and release those who offend you. Whether it was five, ten, twenty years, or more ago, let it go. And let it go again, because old demons like to come back to the house they’ve been evicted from. Every time your soul remembers the offense, just give it to God. Whisper a prayer or say it out loud like this:

“Lord, I forgive and release (name) to You for (what he/she did to me-be specific). I ask You to bless him/her and make Your face shine upon him/her. I pray that You will draw him/her close to You. If he/she is not saved, save him/her, fill him/her with Your Holy Spirit, and flush out all that is not of You. And use him/her for Your glory.  In Jesus’ name, Amen.”

Forgive and release a thousand times if you have to. It will do your soul good if you make it a daily habit to forgive everyone for everything.  A part of the Lord’s prayer is asking God to forgive us, just as we forgive others. So, we must forgive others if we want the Lord to forgive us. It is not our business to hold a grudge or seek revenge. “Vengeance is mine”, says the Lord; “I will repay” (Hebrews 10:30 NKJV).

It isn’t always easy, but when I hold my peace, God fights my battles (Psalm 35:1)! I’ve seen it time and time again. There were times when I wanted to tell someone a piece of my mind; I wanted to let them have it, but most of the time, I held my peace.  In times past, I was known to be quick-witted, a real sharpie. So, when I don’t fight back, I sometimes regret it and get mad at myself for being quiet when I could have fought fire with fire, sharp words with sharp words.

My wonderful counselor

The Holy Spirit is helping me with self-control, and I’ve gotten a lot better at how I respond or do not respond to people who offend me. I see the evidence of it, at least externally. I don’t lash out or fight back like I used to, but in my mind, I may be telling that person off. I could replay the whole experience or conversation and think of what I should have said or could have said to even the score. In my mind, I think of how I could have won the battle. However, the Lord can still hear my thoughts and I have had to repent for holding a grudge against others or “cursing” them in my mind.  

Just this morning, the Holy Spirit brought back to my memory someone who had offended me in the past. It was a white female doctor who, seven years ago, had spoken harshly and condescendingly to me for doing something different than what I was told. Although my approach worked, I was scolded like a child for using my free will in searching for answers. Here’s what happened.

A traumatic time

I had taken my youngest daughter who was three years old at the time to the ER for accidental burns, and, after triage, we were referred to a hospital burn unit for further evaluation and treatment. After our first appointment with the doctor, I received a treatment plan (i.e. clean the affected areas, change the bandages, and apply triple antibiotic ointment) and we made an appointment to follow up in three weeks. So, we went home, and I began to meticulously follow the treatment plan.

Searching for answers

At the same time, I started to research how to heal burns quickly and naturally. In the process, I found a recipe for a healing salve that had a lot of positive reviews and decided to make it and try it out on my daughter’s burns. I did everything else the same but replaced the triple antibiotic with the healing salve. It worked wonderfully and was soothing and nourishing to my daughter’s skin without any negative side effects.  

Mixed reactions

I was very pleased with the results, and three weeks later when we went for our follow-up visit, the doctor was amazed at how fast my daughter’s burns were healing. She was amazed until she found out that I used an alternative remedy and proceeded to tell me that she was the expert and that she’d been doing her job for 18 years (or so).  How dare I think that I know better than her how to treat burns? After all, this was her specialty.

Her tone was condescending, commanding, and authoritative, as she scolded me for how wrong I was to “disobey” all her instructions. We were probably around the same age, but she spoke to me like I was a child, and I didn’t say a word to defend myself. I didn’t want to lose my cool because my husband was in the room, my three-year-old daughter was in the room, and her assistant, an Indian woman was in the room. I was also afraid that if I talked back, things would get worse.  I was afraid that the matter would be escalated and that she would report me to CPS, out of spite (even though it was an accident). But inside, I was livid.

Why the hostility?

Why was this white woman so angry? Would she have spoken to me differently if I was white? I think so, although only God knows. Her Indian assistant also seemed afraid of her because when the doctor signed the release and left the room, she told me that they used those remedies back in India and that I did the right thing for my child. So, it’s quite likely that the assistant was only there to get her practical experience or to complete her residency. Otherwise, she had to have been a really strong person to put up with that doctor’s personality.

When we got home, I discussed the matter with my husband, and later, spoke with one of my sisters who worked in the medical field. She also told me that I did the right thing. Yet, I still felt bad for the way the doctor spoke to me. I wasn’t being disrespectful to her by using my intuition and doing what I thought was best for my daughter. I am highly educated, intelligent, thoughtful, and creative. Yet, it’s unfortunate that some people will judge you without getting to know you first. There was also no need for her to get offended. If anything, she could have asked me for the recipe so that she could suggest it to her other patients in addition to the other treatments they were receiving. It could have been a positive experience for all.

Seven years later…

The day of the three-week check up was the last day that I saw that doctor, and my spirit tells me that it’s been seven years to the day. I had forgotten about the encounter, but the Lord never forgets about anything that happens to us. The Holy Spirit knows that even though I had held my peace, that I had unforgiveness in my heart towards that doctor. And He brought it back to memory this morning, just like it was yesterday. As I reflected, I imagined, all over again, the different things that I could have said or should have said to the doctor to defend myself.

Why now?

“Why was this drama replaying in my mind?”, I wondered. The answer came that I was still angry, although I had suppressed it for seven years. And the Lord impressed upon my heart that I needed to forgive and release the doctor. So, I said a prayer, forgiving and releasing her to God, and prayed for her soul. I don’t know where she is or how she is, nor do I know if I will ever see her again. My flesh certainly hopes not, but the Lord knows.

Looking back

In hindsight, I am glad that I didn’t “fight” back, because I kept my dignity and my integrity. And now, that I have let that anger go and forgiven her one more time, I feel like I am in a better position for God to use me, and I am excited for where He’s going to take me next.

What about you? Who do you need to forgive today? If no one, great! But if there’s someone you need to forgive or some anger you need to let go of, do it right away for your soul’s sake. And the peace that passes all understanding will truly be yours! (Philippians 4:7)